Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
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my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Dad (92): Please don鈥檛 put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you鈥檙e all at church.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
My kid鈥檚 superpower is finding the one show that isn鈥檛 streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don鈥檛 know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes馃槖馃槖.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it鈥檚 gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.