freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
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The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
⛄️
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Me too door. Me too.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
😅😅😅
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.