Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
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Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.