Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
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[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Sharon, call the vet
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Optional boss fight.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake