Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
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Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.