You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
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Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Breaking news:
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.