Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
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Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Facebook marketplace is a different world
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.