Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
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[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow