*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
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My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Bobby pin
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.