if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
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There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.