I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
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If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
The Onion called it…again.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top