JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
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me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I think this cat is broken
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’