I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
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Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup