Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
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Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
For the baby who has everything
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”