repaired
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My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Teach your children to beatbox
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.