BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
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lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick