[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
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Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love