[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
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If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
are there any atheist mantises?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*