Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
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I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.