Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
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they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.