Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
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Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL