[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
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I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I hate when that happens.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO