If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
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HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”