5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
You Might Also Like
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.