Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
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super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you