Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
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Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys