Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
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Catering service
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT