8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
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I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.