The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
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Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.