I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
You Might Also Like
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
goldfish mafia
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.