Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
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I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic