y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
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Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.