HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
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me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?