Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
You Might Also Like
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.