[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
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On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.