When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
😜
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies