I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
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Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country