You Might Also Like
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.