pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
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What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”