“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
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Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?