Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
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Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Florida man
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.