Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
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I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for