Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
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My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Namaste
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”