*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
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[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…