Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
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cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
i think my razor is having a panic attack
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.