when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
You Might Also Like
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before