*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
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Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Close call…
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”