My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
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*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.