Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
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(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
That’s no pocket rocket.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
#ParentingFacts
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.