I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
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a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.